My stress has hit an all time high! Today was very very stressful for me. First, I was worried about telling the woman whose house I'm staying at that we are not going to be staying here. I stressed about it for days! I finally decided to leave her a note this morning with my rent check and talk about it with her when I got home from work. What happened was one of many scenarios that played in my head... she said she was going to give me a 30 day notice too. She never got over the fact that my family came and spent the weekend while she was in New York. She said her dog was traumatized. That poor dog is not traumatized because my family was there... he's traumatized because he has 3 legs and he can't stand up! His butt drags on the floor and it's usually covered in poop! So anyways... that was that. I worried about upsetting her for no reason because she was the one who upset me.

Let's see... then Christina calls me yelling about how she hates all of our animals and she can't deal with it. For some reason when I'm not home, everything goes to hell in a hand basket. She won't listen to me so I have to hang up on her. I feel bad for our animals because I'm not there and I haven't been there for 3 months. It's not fair to them and I can't wait to get them up here! Fru (my cockatoo) screamed all day! We just moved his cage into the living room getting ready for the move. I don't think he likes Tyler too much. He's scared to death and unhappy. Poor thing.

We haven't officially gotten the house we applied for. I'm hoping everything will be finalized by tomorrow. I can't stay here much longer. I'm uncomfortable here. I want to be by myself for a little while. All the birds and dogs will come to the new house this coming weekend. I'm so excited! I miss them a lot!

I hope the rest of the week is better than today...

I can't sleep...

It is almost midnight and for the second night in a row, I am still awake. I hate it! I think my problem is that I'm homesick. I miss my Christina, my dog, my bed, the familiar smells of home... everything. My bed here is very uncomfortable and I'm just plain lonely! I hate hate hate sleeping alone! I told Christina the other day that one of the big reasons I got married was so I wouldn't ever have to sleep alone ever again! Well... I'm alone, but not sleeping. UGHH!

I'm also very sad about selling our first house. I know we can't keep it forever, but I still don't want to let go. We haven't even put it on the market yet. I was thinking about the day that we have to say goodbye to our little house... it's going to be very upsetting. We put so much work into that little place. It was our first home together! That's a big deal! And it's still the cutest house ever! I suppose I'll get over it, but not without shedding a tear or two.

People make me so angry!

I, by any means, am not the perfect parent nor will I ever be... but I am confounded by the lack of parenting skills I have surrounding me. Why would a couple who tried to get pregnant for a year never EVER spend time with their little baby?! Christina's brother and wife had a baby last fall and they are forever dropping him at grandma's house!! It is so frustrating! Daddy NEVER ever spends time with his son. If mom isn't home, the poor baby gets dropped at grandma's house. This weekend they were moving into a new home. Instead of dealing with the child like a normal family would, they just drop him off. It is 9:30pm on Sunday evening and that poor baby is still at Grandma's house because they can't seem to put away dishes and watch the baby (who can't even walk yet!!). It is exasperating!!! I feel that their kid is a showpiece or a dog that they can just pass around so they don't have to deal with it. Unbelievable!

Sorry for the vent! I'm just frustrated!

Good News!

My sister told me tonight that she's pregnant! I'm the first person she's told and it's still really early. AF is due tomorrow. She has taken two pee tests and then she got a beta done... it was 35. She's gonna get another one this week to make sure it's doubling. I'm so excited for her! When Christina and I were actively trying to get pregnant, I always thought I would get jealous when my sister got pregnant. I knew it would be coming anyday because she's been making comments that they're trying. I'm not jealous at all... I'm really excited. I have always had a problem with Christina's brother and wife having a baby, but I think it is because I don't really like them. We've had a few arguments about it because she gets mad when I make snide little comments about them. Now I will see where she's coming from. Atleast Christina likes my sister and her husband. So it will be a little bit different. I'm really excited for them! I can't wait! She said her due date will be Jan. 21st. I guess I'll have to visit around then!!! :)

Sorry I've been MIA

Things have been pretty hectic! Let's see... where do I start. I guess I'll start with my job. I've been working for 2 months and I love it! The people are great and I feel appreciated which is a totally new feeling! I really miss Christina and Tyler, though. Right now I'm living in Charlotte and they're in Raleigh. It's about a 3 hour drive. I feel especially bad for Christina because she is having to deal with him all by herself.

Soo... speaking of Tyler... we got the results of all his testing back. Basically he has every learning disability known to man. Well, everything but dyslexia... The poor thing! The biggest thing is RAD- Reactive attachment disorder. If any of you know of it, it's pretty awful. It's very difficult to deal with. Basically the jist of it is he doesn't trust adults because when he was a baby adults didn't give him what he needed, whether it was food, comfort, or attention. So because of that neglect he is constantly trying to sabotage relationships. He is very manipulative and when he thinks he is hurting us (tearing up pictures of himself, throwing away things we've bought him, etc) he is actually hurting himself. But he doesn't see this and it's very frustrating. The rules of raising a child with RAD is completely opposite from a normal child. You can't go with your gut. He wants to be in control and he will do anything in his power to make sure he is. If he succeeds in being in control, he will trust you even less because if you can't control him, then obviously you can't protect him. WEIRD! It's so backwards it makes my head spin.

We have brought him to a neurologist and a psychologist. The neurologist did an MRI and an EEG. The EEG is normal (tests for seizure stuff), but we find out about the MRI next week. The first thing the technician asked after seeing his brain was whether or not his mother was a crack addict. So we're expecting the worst in the brain department.

We have a meeting with the school tomorrow morning to discuss his IEP. He's going to be put in an LD class the whole day. He just cannot keep up with a regular class. His psychologist seems to think that with a lot of hard work, he will catch up to his age by the time he's in middle school. He's in 3rd grade right now... and not passing.

Now let me tell you about the tantrums we're dealing with. I'm not talking about little crying, screaming tantrums. I'm talking about throwing himself on the ground, beating his head on anything, screaming BLOODY murder, throwing anything and everything, slamming doors, more SCREAMING, breaking things, biting himself, crying crying crying. This is what we deal with on a DAILY basis. It is the most amazing thing. And the hardest part about it is that it comes out of no where! We could be playing a game of go fish and I will casually say, " time for a shower!" and it begins and continues for an hour. Absolutely amazing. I guess the good news is that it means he's starting to heal and trust us.

He's actually getting over his mom... he doesn't talk about her much and he's starting to realize it's not our fault, but it's hers. He doesn't want to go back to her and he calls us his family. Our biggest problem with that part is explaining to him that we are lesbians and what that means. We are trying to find some other gay couples with children so he can see it's not that weird. He hates that Christina doesn't look girly, but yet she's not a man. He wants her to choose one or the other. He's always telling her to put on makeup or he'll say, "why can't you just be my dad?" We constantly try to explain these things to him. I feel bad because not only does he have all these problems, but now he has two moms! Poor thing!

We're making it through all of this. He gets out of school in July and then they're moving to Charlotte. Things will be much better when we're together.

New Job

Today was the first day of my new job. It went really well! I had to take a lot of stupid quizzes and things... safety regulations, driving, etc. But I think I'm going to like it quite a bit. I really like Charlotte too. I like the big city feel. I don't even mind the bad traffic and long commute. It gives me time to think and listen to the radio.

We haven't heard about the baby yet. Christina called the AA sponsor and she's still not back. She said she would call us tomorrow.

Christina had a break through with Tyler. His Psychologist told us not to sugar coat anything that has to do with his mom. She said he'll figure it out eventually and it's better to be truthful. So tonight Christina told him a lot of the truth. And he really opened up to her and told her how his mom used to kick him in the stomach and one time she kicked him in the mouth and knocked out 3 teeth. Poor thing. He said,"moms shouldn't do that, right?" He doesn't even know what a good mom is...pitiful. We love him so much!

I leave tomorrow.

I'm really nervous and I'm going to miss Christina and Tyler more than anything in the whole world. I hope it turns out for the best. The good thing is that I don't have to take much with me to Charlotte. The room I'm renting is furnished and I just need to take my toiletries and clothing.

We still haven't heard about the baby. We picked out a name for her... if we get her. She's going to be Sofia Bean. I wanted her first name to be Beana, but Christina thinks that's too weird. I really want to name her Anabaena, after a type of cyanobacteria (because it's pretty and cool). But Christina thinks that' wayyyy too weird. :) So we compromised and we both think she looks like a Sofia Bean. :) Hopefully we'll hear about her on Sunday or Monday.

The waiting is killing us!!!

So we won't hear more about the baby until Sunday or Monday. The woman who is sorting it out is out of town. We're trying really hard not to get our hopes up, but it's so difficult! We have a picture of her and she is soooo pretty! We can't stop looking at it. I'm leaving on Sunday for Charlotte, so if we get her next week I won't be able to meet her until Friday!! UGGHH!! This is driving us bonkers!

I'll post the picture if I can figure it out!

It's been a while... and we might have a baby!!

Yes, you read that right. We might have a baby! Tyler's mother's AA sponsor knows a woman who had a baby about 3 weeks ago. She doesn't want it because she's addicted to drugs and she's also a prostitute. Luckily, she only smoked crack 3 times while pregnant with her little girl and the baby wasn't addicted when it was born. The sponsor also has an attorney who is a close friend and he said he would do the adoption pro bono! It's really bad timing, but when is it good timing for a baby?! I'm scared ****less, but I know we'll get through it. We think the baby is caucasion and puerto rican. We can't be sure though because the mom doesn't know who the dad is.

In other news, I am moving to Charlotte on Sunday. I'm really nervous about that too. I plan coming home on the weekends. Tyler gets done with school in July and we'll sell our house an move to Charlotte before August. There's a ton of things to be done. I'm a little overwhelmed. Now we might have a baby... Oh GEEZ!

Tyler is doing really well. He has shown so much improvement! He's also growing like a freakin' weed! He's gone up 2 pant sizes. He's also grown and inch and a half in 3 months. He is just thriving! We're getting him evaluated by a psychologist. She's doing IQ testing, emotional testing, academic testing... basically anything she can think of. He also called Christina mom the other day. We couldn't tell if it was on purpose or by accident. The poor thing is so confused about the situation. Hopefully with counselling he'll figure it out.

Well, that's all for now. If you have any advice... let me know. I value everyone's opinion!! :)

What's going on today...

So I still haven't decided what to do about the job. I had another interview on Monday. They didn't seem too interesting in me. We'll see what happens. I had a phone interview with a really great sounding job. It pays close to double what I was making and the benefits are great. I'm hoping I get a face to face interview with that one. I'm just applying to more jobs and trying to be patient!

Tyler is doing ok. Something has been bothering him since Monday. He has been really REALLY disrespectful and difficult. We try to talk to him and all he says is that it doesn't matter anyways. We're not sure what that means. We have an appointment with a psychologist next week. She's going to do comprehensive testing on him and also get him into therapy! I can't wait! And it's covered by medicaid! Thank god for medicaid... things would be much more difficult especially right now.

What to do about this job?!

So I have a job offer... a pretty good one... with a sign on bonus. The only problem is that it's 3 hours away. We knew this offer was coming and we've been casually talking about it. Now that it's here I just don't know what to do. Tyler will finish third grade at the beginning of August. The schools in Charlotte are traditional so we would wait to bring him there until he's done with 3rd grade. Fourth grade would start at the end of August. I suppose I would move there and maybe live with a roommate until Tyler is done with school. Christina would stay here. I could come home on the weekends and they could come visit me when Tyler's tracked out. I don't know if I can be by myself in a new city. I know I did it by myself when I was younger. I don't want to leave my family whom I love so much. It seems like a good offer. I'm just scared! Any advice will be greatly appreciated!!

I need to vent!!!

I am so angry!!!! Christina took Tyler down to see his mom today just for a few hours. We are NEVER letting him spend the night there again! She wanted him for the whole weekend so we had to compromise. Anyways... that's not what I'm mad about. I'm mad because when Christina went to pick him up, him and his brother were soaking wet and bawling! She asked his mom why they were wet and she said that they wanted to play in the snow so she just let them. It was snowing/ raining out and very wet!!! Who would let their kid out in that crap?! Then she asked why they were crying. She said because she told them that she had to call the cops on their dad the other night because he was so drunk and was threatening to hit her. Then she told him that she's leaving him and moving out soon. She didn't spare their feelings at all! Christina is on the way back here right now and she said he's been crying for an hour! It's so ridiculous!!! I am so pissed at her I can't even think straight! Christina is going to call her tomorrow and tell that unless she straightens up and stops telling him crap like that, she will never EVER see him again. Thank god all the paperwork is done!!! I am so tired of her crap!!!! UGGGHH!!

Oh yeah... the paperwork was finally signed by the judge last wednesday. His first day of school was Thursday. He was so nervous he looked like he was going to puke. I just wanted to squeeze him!! His teacher read everything in his file and was really prepared when he came in. The poor guy was so nervous about what to tell people when they asked how old he was. He'll be eleven on valentine's day and he's in 3rd grade. So he's about 2 years older than everyone else. The teacher looked at him and told him he didn't need to tell anyone anything. I think that made him feel better. We warned his teacher that he's really at 1st grade level in most things. After school, she told Christina that he is worse than she thought and she would have to modify his homework quite abit for him to be able to finish it. We have a lot of work to do with him. Hopefully we can get him tested for dyslexia and central auditory processing disorder soon. I'm pretty sure he has one, if not both of those.

Well, I will try to keep everyone updated.

Hello, 2008!

I am sooo happy 2007 is over! It seemed like a really crappy year. 2008 has GOT to be better! I wish everyone a happy new year!

Tyler's mother came up on Friday to pick him up for the weekend. I'm not sure what got into her, but whatever. While she was up here, we got her to sign the custody paperwork and we got it notarized. She didn't even read it... didn't even look at it! Who does that?! Even Tyler's dad, whom Tyler has only seen once in his life, is taking it to a lawyer to "understand" it better. I don't know why she still surprises me. Atleast it makes it easier for us... although not easier for him.

This weekend is hopefully going to be the last weekend he ever stays there. He now thinks his mom is cool because she lets him stay up all night and play mature rated videogames forever. How do you explain to a child that the reason she does those things is not because she cares about him, but because she doesn't care! He thinks we're mean because he has a bedtime and we make him brush his teeth. UGGHH!!

On the bright side... I had a really great interview last thursday. It was in Charlotte and they were actually trying to impress me instead of the other way around. The other great thing was the woman who runs the lab used to work for my old boss and he fired her too. :) She totally understands where I'm coming from. We had a lot in common. Also, Charlotte is only about 3 hours away from Raleigh. So I could go there and come home on the weekends until we sold our house. I would still rather find a job in Raleigh. We'll see!

Like I said, I hope everyone has a great new year!